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Incubating In “I Don’t Know”

Hi! It’s me. I know it’s been a while.

Where have I been? Mainly at home, doing the domestic thing and looking for my next gig. But my mind hasn’t always been at home. It’s been traveling all over the place.

I think that’s what it’s been looking for: my place.

At first I thought, finding a new job may take a little while, but I’ll figure it out.

I applied for positions, talked with recruiters, had interviews, yet time just ticks on by.

I have had opportunities come my way, I’m not really into them at first, then I interview and get into them, but they don’t go anywhere.

Or, I think I want to pursue something and I get into conversations and interviews about it only to discover that I don’t actually want that.

It’s all movement, but towards what?

There’s also the self-discovery of how much I have defined myself by what I do. I always felt connected to a purpose, but until I didn’t have a job I didn’t see how much my ego was feeding off my occupation.

So not only have I been wondering what’s next for me, but I have been asking myself, who am I?

It has been unsettling to not know what my next job will be, when it will come together and when I will earn money. It has been just as unsettling to realize how much I think I need that next job to feel secure with myself again.

As a result, I have sought comfort and guidance in new spiritual practices. I have spent more time in meditation and spiritual study every day.

I have grown in my trust and faith that the Universe has my back. I feel more centered and grounded. I have developed a stronger commitment to let my life be guided by a Higher Good, a Higher Power.

But I still don’t have a clear path before me, and I get impatient. Sometimes I jump into action with applications or job ideas while I’m off-center.

I can sense this mode in myself now. I’m starting to see this as a sign that I’m relying on my own strength rather than leaning on the Universe.

I am also starting to train myself to stop looking outward for circumstances and solutions to make me feel better and more secure. I am starting to recognize that there is an Inner Presence that I want to listen to and follow.

When I get impatient, feel stressed and want to grab at ideas and solutions, I am turning inward. I strive for stillness, because I believe that’s when I can hear inspiration. That’s when the direction is clear.

But I still don’t know what’s next. I’m morphing and changing, but I don’t know what I am becoming. I’m healing and feeling more whole, but I don’t know where and how I will express it.

So the real answer to where am I is that I am incubating. I’m like those eggs in the photo. Something is growing and developing  inside of me, it’s taking shape. But what it will be, I don’t know yet.

These are becoming my magic words – “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know” keeps me unattached to the noisiness of my mind – the thoughts of fear and insecurity and also the thoughts of I-gotta-solve-this-asap.

“I don’t know” keeps me humble and patient.

“I don’t know” keeps me eager for direction from the Universe and excited for where it will take me.

The truth is, I don’t know if I have ever known what my path is. But today I believe the Universe has a way better plan than whatever I could come up with on my own.

xox

 

Photo cred:

Annie Spratt

2 Comments

  1. As a freelancer / independent contractor, I spent over a decade in the I Don’t Know space and have first-hand experience with the emotional roller coaster that brings. While also parenting. While also paying bills. I’m glad you’re writing / documenting your process, and I hope you will CALL ME anytime!! 😎😘

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